Parenting can be a very rewarding experience. It can also be one of the most difficult jobs in a person's life. When children are very young, it is easy to shape them and guide them in the right direction. However, as kids get older and develop their independence and personality, parental guidance may become less accepted and more defied.
This is when power struggles tend to emerge. By using the Love and Logic® principles developed by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., more control can be given to the child in appropriate situations, and learning by natural consequences can take place.
Love and Logic® Holds Kids Accountable
The Love and Logic® approach is a way to hold kids accountable for their own decisions without parents constantly telling kids what to do. Parenting with the Love and Logic® approach "causes the child to see their parent as the 'good guy' and the child's poor decisions as the 'bad guy'," according to the article "What is Love and Logic® for Parents" on the Love and Logic Institute website. By practicing this effective parenting method, parents will feel less stressed and children will tend to think more critically about the decisions they make.
Natural consequences are key components to this approach. Adults deal with natural consequences on a daily basis. With children, however, parents often want to protect them from the consequence. A parent doesn't want to seem mean to the child, so she will "often excuse bad behavior" instead of holding the child accountable. Hence, the child learns nothing from making a poor decision.
Examples of the Love and Logic® Approach
For example, say a child doesn't make it out of bed on time for school. Many parents feel frustrated, yet will write the child a note so that she is not tardy. After school, an argument may ensue during which the adult is angry that the child is irresponsible, and the child is angry that the parent is coming down on her.
The Love and Logic® approach in that situation would say, let the child get out of bed late. Let her miss the bus. Let her walk to school, receive a tardy slip from the office, and walk into the classroom late. Of course, this only applies if it is a safe situation for the child to walk on her own. But the learning principle here, is to let the child deal with the logical results of her decision. The parent was not the one to give the consequence, but the child received one, and will possibly make better choices next time.
The aforementioned scenario shows the logic side of this method, but it is important to maintain the love component as well. This is where the parent genuinely feels for the child that she will have to deal with the consequence. An example is, "I'm sorry you overslept, that's a bummer. I'll bet it will be a little embarrassing to walk in late. That's too bad." Keep in mind, this is absolutely not done with a sarcastic tone. A parent must show that although the child has made a poor choice, she will be supported with love as she deals with the consequence.
Some parents feel that they must control many aspects of their child's behavior. For example, it is a common battle that parents have over the child wearing a coat outside. Here is a great opportunity for a natural consequence. Instead of waging an argument, Love and Logic® would say, let the child go out without a coat. Let him get cold. What will happen? He will either come in, or get his coat on and go back out. The important thing is that he made the decision and dealt with the consequence.
Natural Consequences Must be Safe and Reasonable for Kids
There are obvious limitations to using this approach. Safety and well-being is the number one priority, and so if a natural consequence is dangerous, of course a parent must not allow it. It is not reasonable to let a child see what happens if he doesn't wear his helmet while riding a bike. It is unreasonable to let a child deal with what happens if she runs into the street. Only when the stakes are low should this approach be used.
Children need to feel as though they have some power over situations, and they need to learn how to make good decisions on their own. Parents can facilitate this by allowing children to make choices, even if some of them are poor ones. The Love and Logic® approach helps hold kids accountable, while maintaining a loving relationship between parent and child. For more assistance in this area, look for Love and Logic® parenting books and parenting classes.
Source:
The Love and Logic Institute Website. "What is Love and Logic® for Parents?" (Accessed January 8, 2010).
Wendy McDougal - Wendy McDougal is a mother of two girls, ages 10 and 7, a boy, age 3, and a two year-old Australian Shepherd mix. She is a stay-at-home ...
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